Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Z zings ZINDAGI

And as we bring down the curtains on A to Z April Challenge 2013, the finale had to be spectacular. What better way than a guest post from the high and mighty Rickie Khosla who thankfully is not related to me. He eats, drinks and breathes Bollywood and has a secret crush on Mallika Sherawat. Jane Eyre hated his guts and Darcy's characterization was actually based on him. This NRI has something against the English and native English speakers. The lone competition to Salman Khan, he has threatened to rip his shirt in the sweltering heat of Gurgaon. This, provided his gym does not extend his free membership. Till then, he moonlights as a struggling author and stalks blogs that can do with some Coleslaw diet.
Google Image

Blogwati G was sitting on a ridiculously mighty tricoloured leather chair in her new office. Though plush, the office looked straight out of the 1950s, with its ornate wood wall paneling, old fashioned colour schemes and Linoleum flooring. There were photos of all kinds of Gandhis, a few Singhs, and a stray Shastri and Vajpayee benignly mocking at no one in particular.  She looked at her cluttered desk and made a face. It was strewn with dozens of bedraggled paper files bearing millions of documents of dubious significance. “IT revolution…hello?” she muttered angrily to herself. Clearly, this room had been left untouched by the Digital Age since most of its past inhabitants had been on the wrong side of 70 or worse – the only Apple they knew of came from Himachal and sold in Indian supermarket for 250 rupees a kilo.

The news team from Doordarshan was expected bright and early at 7 am for a live special breakfast edition of Krishi Darshan. Blogwati G was to be the special guest for the show, where she was expected to sing paeans to Jai Jawaans and Jai Kisaans. She looked at the giant antique wall clock, possibly gifted by Nehru himself – not Jawahar but Moti. It was almost 3 am and she had already been hard at work fixing the nation for 36 straight hours. And she still needed to take at least ten more momentous decisions before she could even contemplate retiring to bed tonight. She silently cursed her 3-am-Friend, the one she squarely blamed for putting her in this tiresome position.

But, before persisting on with burning yet more of the exorbitant midnight oil, Blogwati G decided to take a quick break. She pushed away the file she had been working on, picked up the phone and dialed a Gurgaon number on the speed dial. The phone was picked up on about the 25th ring. 

Blogwati G : (displaying faux anger) Thank you, you bloody idiot, for ruining my life!

Reeky Coleslaw : (extremely groggy, seemingly  unrecovered from a typical Gurgaon evening where death-inducing amounts of alcohol, food and alcohol may or may not have been involved) Wha…wha…what happened?

Blogwati G : Yaar, running this country is like watching a non-stop marathon of Sajid Khan’s movies while simultaneously getting a root canal done by a dentist who has body odour! Why the hell did I listen to you and stand for elections? I could have been sipping a Cosmo at a swanky Singapore restaurant right now!

Reeky Coleslaw : Arrey, calm down!

Blogwati G : What calm down! I knew this was going to be a disaster the moment Pranab-da made me take the oath of office at the swearing-in ceremony. “I…” was the only word of his that I understood! After that, I wasn’t even sure whether he was speaking English or Bangla. And I was expected to repeat the words after him!

Reeky Coleslaw : Why don’t you look at it this way – You are now the Prime Minister. So, in the next Presidential election, you can replace him with anyone you want!

Blogwati G : (animatedly) Yes, yes, I have already shortlisted Sunanda, my dear maid, for that! I want someone who gets the job done! Unflinchingly, efficiently and smilingly. She would be perfect as President! Plus, she hates traveling, so imagine the amount of money the exchequer will save by not having to plan any more foreign trips!

Reeky Coleslaw : There you go! See, you are already getting a hang of it! And to think that it has only been 2 days since you took over as PM!     

Blogwati G : But, by God, this is hard work. For example, take this issue I am working on now. I need a new Railway Minister but I can’t seem to find the right person for the job!

Reeky Coleslaw : Why, what’s the Job Description?

Blogwati G : Well, let me see...(starts reading from the listing already posted by Government of India on Naukri.com)…blah, blah, blah…ok, here are the important bits – ‘In keeping with tradition, only Bengali candidates will be considered. Candidate must not be Delhi/NCR based and must be willing to operate ministry via remote control from a location at least 1000 kms away from Delhi. Candidates who have never travelled by train in their lifetime will be preferred’. Ab batao, where do I find such a person?

Reeky Coleslaw : (thoughtfully) Well, there is one person who fits that Job Description…

Blogwati G : Arrey nahi re, I thought about her, too. But how can I choose a Railway Minister who doesn’t even live in India?

Reeky Coleslaw : Why not? If past ministers can run the Railway Ministry sitting in Kolkata, Patna and Bangalore, why can’t it be done from Brisbane?

Blogwati G : Hmm, you have a point. Ok, I will call Purba in the morning. In fact, she can start with a major revamp of that awful in-house Railway magazine! By God, passengers need to be distracted from the smells of the loo in whichever way possible – her brilliant magazine articles will do the trick!

Reeky Coleslaw : Yes, and if she declines the offer, urge her to do it for Haryana’s sake. Tell her she can launch 10 new express trains from Rohtak, her favourite town.

Blogwati G : (excitedly) Done!

Reeky Coleslaw : How is Shardul doing?

Blogwati G : Oh, magnificent! What a brilliant choice for Party General Secretary. Snow Leopard walks around the hallways with his I-am-going-to-eat-you angry scowl and a low growl, and everyone pees their pants! Productivity in Raisina Hills has gone through the roof!

Reeky Coleslaw : Bravo! Humen apne Big Cat se yahi ummeed thi!

Blogwati G : What about you? When are you joining my cabinet?

Reeky Coleslaw : (mockingly) Hein? Me? Poof! I am an American citizen…I would rather join Obama’s cabinet!

Blogwati G : (mockingly as well) And how is that project coming along, my dear? Listen, forget Amreeka, you work for Swadesh instead.

Reeky Coleslaw : But don’t I need to hold Indian citizenship to be eligible to work in the government?

Blogwati G : Why worry your little head about that, Chikni Soorat? Mein hoon na Prime Minister! You just tell me when you can start.

Reeky Coleslaw : Hmm…

Blogwati G : Achcha, bhaav mat kha! Imagine your life as the Information and Broadcasting Minister! You will get invited to all the fanciest Bollywood parties and meet your favourite stars! Front row seats at Filmfare awards….they will even request you to present a couple of trophies to SRK. ‘May I call upon Honorable Information and Broadcasting Minister, Shri Coleslaw on stage to do the honours..’ Think about it!  

Reeky Coleslaw : You do make a convincing argument. I will think about it! What about the other portfolios? Are those in place?

Blogwati G : Yes, Corrine will fix Human Resources Development and Education ministries, Sharmila has Health, Janu is taking Art and Culture. The best people for the right jobs!

Reeky Coleslaw : Absolutely! Smart choices, all!

Blogwati G : You bet…I am a super-efficient Prime Minister!

Reeky Coleslaw : With you and such remarkable people in your cabinet, it is just a matter of time before all the promises in your manifesto are met! Remember how you set the blogosphere on fire when you decided to run for Prime Minister?

Blogwati G : Oh, I remember my manifesto word for word! It said – ‘As Prime Minister, Blogwati G promises to work each and every day to eradicate the nation of its serial ills – serial corruption, serial crimes against women, serial injustices towards the poor, serial incompetence, serial boorishness, serial obstinacy, serial insanitation and the decadent Hindi TV serial. As Prime Minister, Blogwati G promises to make the nation forward-thinking yet introspective, resolute yet kind, progressive yet rooted, educated yet humble, solemn yet playful. Blogwati G unshakably follows the fundamental belief that the Prime Minister is not just of the people, but also by the people and for the people. And so, Blogwati G will not just say what she wants to say, but also listen to what everyone has to say. Blogwati G will strive to be a better person each day because only a person investing in herself to be a better human being will invest in her nation to make it better, too. Vote for Blogwati G : Because we all deserve to claim – Zindagi Mil Hi Gayi Dobara’.

Reeky Coleslaw : Amen to that! Finally, a Prime Minister we deserve!

Blogwati G : But, like I said before, it is hard work! The journey has just begun.

Reeky Coleslaw : So what was your first executive decision? Did you take one already?

Blogwati G : Of course! I just signed an ordinance banning Indian Bloggers League! I saw an email this morning about the launch of IBL-2. Are you kidding me?! The country can’t afford that kind of melodrama! And the serial destruction of English language! No, sir! So I have just put a total ban on IBL for good!

Reeky Coleslaw : (laughing) Wise move! Get set to receive a lot of hate mail – with spelling mistakes, Hinglish words, SMS talk and bad grammar!

Blogwati G : I remain resolute!

Reeky Coleslaw : What plan for tomorrow?

Blogwati G : Sigh! It’s going to be a looong day. The Bhutan King is swinging by for a state visit tomorrow. So I have decided to do up my office and the executive meeting area in a Bhutanese theme with lots of big, colourful paper dragons and decorated empty bottles of Druk jam and ketchup. Plus, we will have momos for lunch for all the staff!

Reeky Coleslaw : He is coming again tomorrow? Didn’t he just come 2 days ago as Chief Guest for your swearing-in?

Blogwati G : Yes! Apparently, Jigme-ji pays 75-100 state visits to India each year. In fact, when we can’t find an international Chief Guest for a government event, we just call him.

Reeky Coleslaw : (sighing) Sounds like another hectic day!

Blogwati G : Tabhi toh, I am so mad at you for convincing me to do this kind of good for the nation! Anyway, chal, ab so ja. I will call you at 3 am again tomorrow.

Reeky Coleslaw : Oh, drat!

Blogwati G : Jai Hind!

Reeky Coleslaw : Yes, yes, same to you!

87 comments:

Rainbow Hues said...

I am in cracks...This one's a sure winner for the challenge. Amazing thought and great humor. I am indeed LOLing :)

Alka Gurha said...

Ha ha...good. Corrine, Sharmila and Janu have my vote too.
Delightful read.

Blogwati Gee said...

Ah, few can match the humour that Chikni Soorat brings to the fore. :)

Blogwati Gee said...

Imagine, agar yeh sachi ho jaye?

sharmila k said...

Thank you Rickie and BG for entrusting me with this all important portfolio of health in this 'sick'country.Work has begun on two mammoth buildings,(uglier than Antilia)one each in Gurgaon and Mumbai.Bank account in an undisclosed city has been acquired and latest model of Aston Martin ordered.
I am all set PM saheb ,jo hukum !!:D

Blogwati Gee said...

Kya baat hai. Ab Ashton Kutcher ko driver rakh lain? Tumhara Raju wala problem bhi solve ho jayega :D

Rickie said...

Haha! Even I remember the Raju wala problem. Now that the ministry is yours, mein toh kehta hoon, helicopter se neeche toh baat hi mat kariye!

PhenoMenon said...

snort snicker. now done we all need a Prime Minister that talks... Fuming is still fine as long as voice is involved !!

PhenoMenon
http://capturedalive.wordpress.com/2013/04/30/zen/

Ugich Konitari said...

How could you forget Statues ? Arabian Sea may several statues bante hi hai .

Roshni AaMom said...

ha! Very clever to deal with the last post so effectively! Of course, there were some inside jokes which I didn't get, but I must say I like the idea of you as a Prime Minister! At least you would have told some good jokes during each of your speeches! :P

Blogwati Gee said...

Bas voice hi toh hai mere pass :P

Blogwati Gee said...

Suranga, I am an eco friendly PM. don't want my daily dose of fish xacuti and their types getting destroyed. Hence, the statues will be erected on all Airport Runways. God knows we need some good sights for tourism. :D

Blogwati Gee said...

It just all fell into place. And don't let Reeky Coleslaw intimidate you. He don't bite as he is on a see food diet.

Haan, if I couldn't eradicate poverty and corruption, at least I'd have my own humour column on every daily. :) I am considerate that way.

Purba said...

At last a Prime Minister who's not just a paper tiger. And boy o boy, when she starts talking, she doesn't stop.

Rahul Baba watch out, here comes Blogwati G with her kitchen cabinet :D

Aarti's mom said...

Coleslaw...LOL.
That was the grand finale...Not able to make out if I liked the intro better or the actual post ;-)
That was a hilarious post! I am hooked to coleslaw diet now :)

Afshan said...

lol !! serial of so many things along with hindi serials made me laugh loud. Such a huge plan Blogwati G
All the best. I would like to be your PA in the office and promise to praise U whenever needed ;- ) hehehe and for that filmfare thingy think abt me too
Good day and congos for finishing the challenge. GREAT post by Rickie khosla :)

Priyanka Dey said...

:D hee hee heee!
I love the banning part the most! :P
Cheers !

Me said...

OMG I am ROFL after reading this!!

Too good!

Blogwati Gee said...

And I can see how people love others in trouble............hmmmmmmm.

Blogwati Gee said...

Delhi walon se yahi umeed ki ja sakti thi. Ab jao, iss post ke naam ek hai-huku likh do :P

subhorup dasgupta said...

Too good. What a rocking end to the month! This cabinet might just be the solution to all our troubles. At least our blog-reading troubles. :)

Blogwati Gee said...

Ufff, kitchen kyun? Bathroom kyun nahin? think out of the box, RW minsterji.

And at least when I talk, people will forget what they came to protest for in the first place :D

Blogwati Gee said...

Oh this diet will do you good, I promise. And, you noticed the intro so brownie points for you :D

Blogwati Gee said...

Serial ki toh Ma behen designate kar di. PA ke liye, aap Qatar main hain. If I manage to get past the harem of toyboys, I will consider. Promise.

Corinne Rodrigues said...

There was no doubt about BlogwatiG sweeping the polls. She has a long history of winning!
Sorry for the delay in commenting on this. I was busy arguing with my Minister of State. No, not Sha-shee T (another Chinki Soorat, if there was one!), but Pablo. He wants his own Ministry, since Tinkle has the Transport Ministry portfolio. I told him there was no nepotism involved. Tinkle got the Ministry based on merit - her ability to loaf!
Incidentally, I do see a foreign hand in this piece, and it's not the Railways Minister. It's that Mayonnaise guy who's always hanging around the Coleslaw.

Meena said...

ROFL!!!!

Akanksha Dureja said...

Can't stop laughing! Brilliant piece. Although I wish there was a little bit of Bollywood too in this :P
I can't believe I am still getting all the updates of IBL and apparently they say that IBL 1 was a 'super-success' . I didn't know that they consider it a success when more and more teams decide to opt out :P

Shilpa Garg said...

LOL :D That's a good one!! With such a star cast in the cabinet, all the problems of our country will surely vanish! :D

Snow Leopard said...

Yes! I have the power! *cracks his whip* Get to work you lazy lot!
Note to self: Change the PM candidate for next elections (maybe Rickie). No election ticket for the current Railway Minister

Rickie said...

If we can get some stars to join my cabinet, I am willing to be PM. (But I will draw the line at TV stars)
And you wait and see, Australian-Indians make the best Railway Ministers! Ms Ray shall prove it!

Rickie said...

You bet, Shilpa! I tell you, the solution is staring us in the face!

Rickie said...

Hum saarey kam drama hain that you want more Bollywood in the mix! :P
I dare say, if the 'success' of IBL-1 is the benchmark IBL-2 will gauge its performance on, good luck to everyone!

Rickie said...

Mission accomplished!

Rickie said...

This PM is trying to usurp the 'foreign hand' in her cabinet ("keep the enemies closer" as they say!)
Finally, a PM that will beat the nation into shape! :D

Rickie said...

After all, Bloggers do have all the solutions - one's just got to read their posts!
All we need is a star to put those (all those millions of) words into action!

Rickie said...

*does his evil laugh in glee* :D

Rickie said...

Priyanka, aren't you throwing your hat in the ring for the Delhi Team Leader this time? :P
We can convince Blogwati-G to overturn the ban - you just have to ask!

Rickie said...

Going by our new PM's mission, Afshan, mujhe nahi lagta aapka number aane wala hai!

Rickie said...

I bow my head to such a sparkling intro! (Plus also because she is Madam PM now and will start a CBI enquiry on me if I don't!)

Rickie said...

I think she just meant Kitchen Cabinet with Toilet Humour!
Hamare liye Australian English is very confusing! Main toh sirf Haryanvi English ka used to hoon these days.

Rickie said...

The more I think about it, the more I am convinced what a great idea this is! I can already picture the board outside her office - "Blogwati-G, Prime Minister. The Bakwaas Stops Here."

Rickie said...

Please reconsider your position on statues in certain states - like TN and UP. Udhar, people only register very large images!

Rickie said...

Haan, danda chalane ki bhi zaroorat nahi padti!

Rickie said...

I hope she takes some Delhi folks in her cabinet!

Rickie said...

Well, not sure about the A-Z Challenge, but the Lady can surely win the Prime Ministerial one!

Suzy said...

A good line up for the Cabinet, Prime Minister G.

Cynthia Rodrigues Manchekar said...

Now that would be an interesting cabinet for sure.

Rickie said...

"Prime Minister G" has a nice ring to it!

Rickie said...

Also known as a cabinet that works!

Bhavana Shankar Rao said...

With all the new cabinet ministers, it is sure we are heading towards raam Raajya!
Will be waiting for Seeta maata's blessings and 'patience'
:-)

Rachna said...

Okay this cabinet will hardly have any time as they spend all of theirs on FB and twitter :-P. Amusing read as always, Rickie!

Suresh Chandrasekaran said...

Ah! So instead of V Venerates Vinita, you had it in Z :)

Rickie! As wonderful as ever. Now, as I&B minister, you could do all the programs on DD and make it climb the TRP charts :)

Blogwati Gee said...

For someone who swore off FB, you seem to be keeping a close watch on us Rachna ;-)Lol, Tum bhi undercover agent?

Rickie toh filhal hot cross buns hai, demand is far greater than supply.

Teresa Coltrin said...

Very cool and funny too.

Anu said...

I loved the intro u have written for rickie mama.. :)

Can i apply for the job of censor board head?? that would be a fun job :)

Brilliant write up! as usual :)

and Blogwati g rocks!

Blogwati Gee said...

Ha, ha, Suresh, I swear, I am innocent. But I am with you for a poster boy I&B minister. :-D

Blogwati Gee said...

Just for the record, I hate mayonnaise. Yuck!

Rickie said...

Yes, by next Diwali, we will be lighting diyas for this government! :D

Rickie said...

Shhh...Rachna! We call it extolling/inspiring the nation! After all, no one listens to bhaashans any more. But everyone listens to anything that is put up on FB and Twitter.
You see, spending all waking hours on FB and Twitter is for a greater purpose!

Rickie said...

Madam PM-G, the first program for a makeover - Krishi Darshan.
And we have to bring Chitrahaar and Aarohi back! :)

Rickie said...

Thank you!

Rickie said...

Done! We need a person like you who leaves NO movie unwatched! :D

Sakshi said...

Doing up the PM's office in Bhutanese theme with lots of big, colourful paper dragons and decorated empty bottles of Druk jam and ketchup!!! Jeez treally did make me laugh crazy. A designer for a PM wah wah... I can't wait to walk in and out of swanky government offices to start with ;)

I hope you will consider me for the post of your personal photographer? I promise to take excellent butt shots of all the important events you will be attending as PM :)

Btw so should I go ahead and check this chikna coleslaw out? Can you promise me that I will not end up with reeky gas problems? :(

Rickie said...

Hahah....crisp and fresh. No reekiness here!

goingbeyondthepages said...

haha :D perfect people for the perfect departments. Super cool

Blogwati Gee said...

Anu, I meant to write to you earlier too. Of course you can have any job profile you want. Rickie's niece is my girlfriend. Nah, I am not equally ancient. :P

Thank you for dropping by, muah!

Blogwati Gee said...

Hai na? Me thought so too :D

Blogwati Gee said...

Ah, the boy is safe I tell you. And you toh love bollywood too, so, you just might get some freebies too :D

Blogwati Gee said...

Arrre BG Rajya, no? :P

Blogwati Gee said...

God willing! Hard working ya hardly working, only time will tell.

mridulachitnis said...

Fantabulous one Prime Ministerji, loved this one.

Bhavana Shankar Rao said...

no no, if you again remember your manifesto, it sounds like we are heading to Raam raajya :-D

Deepa said...

I can actually imagine the two of you having such talking-in-the-air conversations when you meet :D Seems just the kind of talk that would come up! But yeah, Blogwati G, that kind of PM sounds too good to be true, if only! :) I'll vote if I get the chance to! :D Nice one Rickie. Good that I know most of the bloggers you've tagged - like Purba (and having read her posts and such), otherwise, might have been scratching my head!

Rickie said...

We thank you for your political support! :D

Rickie said...

I am glad the post didn't become too much of an insider joke!
Thanks, Deepa!

JANU said...

Lady, while you are busy banning all things serial...why not impose a ban on serial winning of blog contest too?
As for me, I will be honored to promote art in clutter.

(connectivity issues, so the delay in commenting)

Blogwati Gee said...

Subho, when in doubt pass the baton. That is what I did :D

Blogwati Gee said...

Deepa he was just being polite. Our conversations revolve around toy boy harems and exotic pole dancers, most of the time :P

Blogwati Gee said...

Yes, yes, I agree. No one will be allowed to participate in contests, except the PM :D

The Fool said...

Why ban the poor IBL? If they are killing English language, what is the harm? The English tortured us for 200 years. Let us at least torture their damn language for 100 years.

Prateek said...

This post has such a repeat value! Amazing humor and really witty satire. Right after some gyan over Hinglish, comes a line with "looong"! Ha ha...

I would certainly vote for Blogwati G as PM but only if the writer agrees to return from Amreeka and join her cabinet!

This was a clear winner Gee! And sorry to miss a few of the posts of the challenge. Got really busy...my loss entirely! :(

Rickie said...

You do have a great point there, LTF! :D

Rickie said...

Oh I am at BlogwatiG's beck and call! PM ka kehna aakhir koi taal sakta hai?

Blogwati Gee said...

Satyavachan TF, kintu, parantu, hum Netaji ke follower hain. Tum hamein keyboard do, hum tumhein English denge :D

Blogwati Gee said...

Prateek, yeh gora untt toh aa hi gaya politics ke pahad ke neeche :D

Uma Maheswari Anandane said...

Hilarious!.I did really imagine the dialogue bet you too and guess what - your profile image suddenly came to life :)

Blogwati Gee said...

Ha ha ha ha Uma, I don't know if that should make me happy or sad, lol.

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